As a man who has lived through his fair share of culinary disasters, I can appreciate the people of the world who find cooking a labyrinthine challenge too powerful for their tiny minds. To give you an idea of what I’m talking about, I once ate a tin of chicken korma on toast… then smothered it with cheddar cheese.
Never before has one man chundered with such velocity, of that much I’m sure. Anyway, back to the art of cookery. While heating up frozen ingredients is easy enough, some people sadly can not get preparing a dish correct. Here, we have a selection of some of the most hapless cooks I’ve ever had the misfortune of writing about. Please ready your gag reflexes people, you may need them later.
1. Layered bologna cake with mayonnaise-and-mustard icing
2. Two words. Supermarket sushi
3. This monstrosity is… tuna and cream of potato soup. Apparently you’re supposed to eat it
4. If in doubt, try and make your own hibachi grill
5. A bowl of Spaghetti-Os, made out of Spaghetti-Os…
6. Crushed ice with Sriracha, if you’re in a tight spot financially
7. Vegan hot dogs made out of black beans, for when you want a meal that looks like a turd
8. Cavity pancakes, because you can never have enough sugar
9. Some people just need to give up and order takeout
10. “We ran out of tomato sauce, so I used Spaghetti-Os” – I’m sure it tastes better than it looks, because it looks like vomit
11. Microwaved wine gums with defrosted spinach and horse meat – for when Heston Blumenthal is coming to dinner
12. Chicken ain’t supposed to look like that, pal
13. Mountain Dew margarita with a Doritos-crumble rim. Cocktail anyone?
14. Scrambled egg with blue food colouring… grim
15. Disney princesses as hot dogs – easy on the eye, but I imagine they taste… questionable
Fed up of looking at half-baked culinary creations and woefully under-cooked chicken? Yeah, me too. How about we bring you something you’d actually like to eat? In the video below, we have a little recipe we whipped up in the kitchen recently. Did somebody say Pizza Pie?
So it’s official, I now understand why so many people die from food poisoning – clearly their nearest and dearest can’t cook to save their lives. If I were you, I’d stick to our recipes, cause our chef isn’t trying to kill you.