Apocalypse food: the supplies you need to survive Armegeddon
With world leaders entering into increasingly infantile nuclear penis measuring contests, global destruction is, seemingly, imminent. Therefore, all discerning foodies should begin planning their post apocalyptic menus ASAP. While movies have shown all of us the thrills and spills that await in our dystopian future, very few of these sources provide practical advice on how to make the apocalypse as tasty as possible.
Fortunately, Team Twisted have brought together a list of the essential foodstuffs that you will need to safely navigate the radioactive, zombie-riddled landscape of the next few years. We recommend everyone prints off a copy prior to inevitable total technological failure.
To kick off your doomsday dinner right, every would-be survivor should ensure that they have access to a healthy supply of Spam. The “miracle meat” was credited by the Russians as integral to their campaign against Germany in World War Two and has been a store cupboard staple since its inception in 1937. Long lasting and nigh on indestructible, Spam is a ready solution to many of our future foodie woes.
It’s difficult to picture how any scenario, even one as bleak as the end of life as we know it, couldn’t be improved by a bowl of porridge. To this end, oats should form the backbone of all future breakfasts. When correctly stored, oats can last up to three years, giving you a good period before you have to resort to cannibalism.
Regardless of how many oats and Spam you’ve managed to get your hands on, the wasteland is still going to be a pretty dismal place. To ensure your future is not resolutely miserable, prepare yourself with a stash of booze. Alcohol can famously last for hundreds of years, so survivors can at least look forward to a final lonely party, if all else fails.
4. Peanut Butter
Condiments and preservatives of any sort will go a long way to prolonging existence. Long lasting and resistant to decay, they’ll make a great accompaniment to any apocalyptic appetiser. We’ve highlighted peanut butter for it’s high energy, protein and fibre content. Mixed with oats, it becomes a great snack for the greedier survivor.
5. Bottled Water
As absolutely indispensable for life on earth, water should probably come higher on this list. Anyone lucky enough to have avoided nuclear incineration/zombies should make sure that they have access to bottled water, rather than drinking straight from scattered radioactive puddles.
6. Dried/canned fruit
As we’ve already learned, scurvy is not a pleasant experience. Therefore, getting a balance of vitamins and minerals in your diet will be essential to making the dystopia as enjoyable as possible. Dried and canned fruit such as peaches, pineapples and raisins is a tasty way to stay healthy while all others are losing their teeth.
7. Tomato paste
Fresh fruit and vegetables will decay incredibly quickly in our new wasteland. Therefore, the best way to get your body essential anti-oxidants and minerals is from tomato paste. Long-lasting and easy to transport, carrying tomato paste will also mean that you can wow fellow survivors with a mean bolognese, should the right circumstances arise.
If the future seems to be looking bleak for quite some time, you’ll want food that’s going to last for as long as possible. Honey has been found to remain vaguely edible for several thousand years, meaning that there is always has the option of going full Winnie the Pooh for a while to ensure survival. You might not have any teeth left by the end, but at least your food won’t have gone off.
Nobody’s pretending that the apocalypse is going to be an easy time for food lovers. However, by packing sensibly and ensuring that you have ready access to everything on this list, global destruction will at least be delicious. We wish all of you best of luck in the horrible future to come.