As anyone who’s attempted to get their head around the minefield of wedding planning will tell you, getting married is an expensive business. In the UK, the average ceremony now costs an astonishing £33,000. That’s an unholy amount to spend on underwhelming roast dinners and tatty marquees.
Of course, some weddings are more of a big deal than others. As soon as the news dropped last year that everyone’s favourite royal ginger bachelor was preparing to tie the knot, loyal subjects up and down the country let out unified shrieks of excitement. Finally, British families everywhere would have something worth celebrating.
Once everyone had gotten over the initial excitement - which understandably took some time, given the enormity of what was happening - people began to ask some really hard-hitting questions. How many swans can the royal family get through at a wedding reception? Will the Prince of Wales be personally serving packets of Duchy Originals, or will Camilla help him? Fortunately, thanks to a loose-lipped, presumably soon to be executed for treason wedding planner, we can now answer one of the biggest. Exactly how much will Harry and Meghan be spending on sausage rolls?
Clearly, this question will have caused many sleepless nights amongst giddy royalists. If the source is to be believed, the numbers involved are truly staggering. According to the suitably posh-sounding Hamish Shephard - CEO of wedding planning app Bridebook - the couple are expected to fork out around $36,000 dollars on the porky treats.
Shephard explains that this expense is all down to the couple’s decision to invite 2,600 members of the public to the event, all of whom will be given a sausage roll and a cup of tea. As if the pressure of getting married wasn’t enough, the sight of two-and-a-half thousand pastry wielding plebs is bound to give the event a strange atmosphere, and may come to haunt the couple in years to come. The idea of being in royal presence coupled with a steady supply of sausage rolls may be too much excitement for some guests to bear.
The insatiable greed of the common-folk aside, the ludicrously expensive event is racking up a number of questionable bills. According to the suspiciously well-informed Shephard, Hazza and Megs have also ordered 20 silver-plated trumpets to sound the fanfare for their arrival at the cool cost of $127,000. Music hasn’t been this expensive since Rick Ross spent $1.5 million on a necklace. Clearly, the couple had never heard of Spotify Premium, or speakers.
For all the expense spent on flashy tooting, the biggest cost in the $45 million wedding package comes from security. Presumably, in addition to preventing an evil wizard/troll from kidnapping the new princess, organisers are justifiably worried about baying hordes of peasants protesting against what turns out to be comparatively minimal expenditure on their dinner. Budgets may need to be reconsidered if the ceremony is to avoid turning into a bloodbath.
Given the certain amount of controversy that always accompanies any discussion over money spent on the royal family, it seems strange that figures as enormous as $45 million are being bandied about so freely. It seems obvious that some sensible money saving tips are sorely needed. We still can’t understand why they didn’t just get all the sausage rolls from Greggs.