There are loads of perks to being famous. Money, power, beautiful people fawning over you and the freedom to do basically whatever the hell you want are all, obviously, pretty great. But, if you ask me, there can’t be many things better than the tonnes of free shit celebrities get sent on a daily basis. It must be incredibly satisfying to wake up every morning with an unknown goodie bag from some business desperate to win your approval.
Though any freebie is always much appreciated, the real holy grail for anyone who likes eating is the promise of free food. Given the damage that my eating habits wreak on my bank account on a weekly basis, the need for a complimentary meal here and there is now becoming a matter of urgency. Fortunately, there may be a fast food solution under my nose.
The McDonald’s Gold Card has always been more myth than reality. For decades, rumours have circulated of a secret society of celebrities, all united by the awesome power of a card that unlocks unlimited free McDonald’s wherever you are in the world at any time. Supposed big-name card holders included the likes of Bill Gates and Warren Buffet. Of course, if anyone were to own one of these cards it would be someone who’s last name already means all you can eat.
Despite a growing number of celebrity stories, most people refused to believe that the gold card even existed. Like a fast food unicorn, the idea of something so pure and magical seemed far too good to be true. For us ordinary folk, you obviously had more chance of being struck by lightning whilst buying a winning lottery ticket than getting within touching distance of this elite club, if it even existed at all.
But, like the rediscovery of an obscure species long thought to be lost to science, McDonald’s have recently confirmed that the legends are all true. What’s more, for the first time ever, you too could enter the inner circle. What a time to be alive.
As part of a new promotion, McDonald’s are offering a member of the public a “one-of-a-kind” Gold Card, granting “free craveable and delicious McDonald’s” for life, awarded as two meals per week for 50 years. The prize comes in the form of a 24-karat gold plated iPhone case, etched with your name and identifying them as the newest members of a club that has included the likes of Rob Lowe and philanthropist Larry Crandell.
In order to win this once in a lifetime award, customers will need to download the McDonald’s app and place an order before the 24th of August this year. Every order placed will count as an entry into the competition, with a maximum of one per day. Since this could be the best way to finally spring free from my overdraft, it’s going to be a very Maccies heavy month at Twisted HQ.
All too often, dreams like “free McDonald’s for life” are just that - flights of fancy that have no basis in reality and end up being a waste of time. If nothing else, the existence of the Gold Card is a victory for the dreamers. To borrow from ex-President Obama, if there is anyone out there who still doubts that we live in a place where all things are possible, and who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, tonight is your answer. Amen.