Food and body parts have a long, fascinating history. For instance, “orecchiette”, the small scoops of pasta that you might sometimes see packed into tightly sealed glass jars in your local Italian deli, literally translate as “little ears”. In Portugal, there is a medieval egg-stuffed sweet pastry known as “nun tummy”. All over the world, thousands of traditional dishes owe their name to their uncanny resemblance to different body parts. Most of it is actually quite cute. However, this year, we might have finally taken things one step too far.
Just when you thought that novelty gifts couldn’t get any more excruciating, Amazon have decided to ruin chocolate for all of us with a present that literally looks - and presumably tastes - like arse. For the adventurous internet shopper/anyone who has ever wondered what the boundaries of bad taste look like, the online mega-retailer is offering genuine edible chocolate anuses, available now for Valentine’s Day. Nothing says “I love you” quite like a cocoa butthole, said no one, ever.
If you were hoping that the Amazon description might help make slightly more sense of this very obviously shitty present, you will be sorely disappointed. The jaunty product description states, “If you're after some really naughty chocolate then lift the lid on this box of Edible Anus.” At least now confused shoppers can add bad grammar as well as impropriety to their list of potential issues with the product.
The description continues, revealing the contents to be “6 anus shaped chocolates which are made from solid milk chocolate”. The seller also stresses that, “Food items are non-returnable”. Because obviously no one wants to be sending arseholes backwards and forwards over Royal Mail. Won’t somebody please think of the postman?!
Despite their unappetising appearance, the product, which actually first appeared on shelves back in 2015, has had a number of surprisingly positive reviews. One happy customer described how the sweets provided solace after a disastrous first date, where his partner said “she wouldn’t even put them in her mouth” when it became clear that the purchaser wasn’t sure who’s anus they were modelled on. Refusing to be put off by “random bum chocolate”, the buyer ate the chocolate himself, revealing that “they have delicious lines and flavorful contours (sic)” in the process.
However, it hasn’t all been positive press from the bum chocolate buying community. Other less than satisfied customers have revealed that their anuses have arrived melted beyond all recognition. Although this might make them more palatable to the rest of us, others insisted that this ruined the entire point of the present.
Unsurprisingly, the internet has seen its fair share of unusual, occasionally disturbing edible gifts over the years. But, for a combination of accessibility and general appearance, these seriously weird chocolates certainly rank with the best of them. Whether or not they make it onto your Valentine’s shopping list is entirely up to you. Just don’t say you weren’t warned what to expect.