Valentine’s Day is a lot like taxes - it has to happen once a year, and anyone that enjoys doing it probably has something seriously wrong with them. If decades of romantically induced stress have taught us anything, it’s that the tried and tested formula of chocolate, flowers and dinner is nowhere near as fun as it should be. V-Day needs a rethink.
With this in mind, it’s still not too late to make 2019 the year where you decide to shake things up. Save yourself the stress of shopping for something thoughtful and sincere and finally accept that you are as romantic as a frozen haddock. Embrace that the only way to make February 14th truly memorable is with something seriously strange. For added inspiration, these are the world's weirdest edible Valentine's Day gifts.
1. Heart-Shaped Steak
For some reason, a hunk of bloody, badly cooked meat has become one of the most universal ways for poorly house-trained men to say “I Love You”. Why not go the extra mile this year, with a steak that is literally heart shaped. It may be about as natural as a dodgy beef burger, but it might help you get your point across without resorting to anything too subtle.
2. Steak Branding Iron
In the unlikely event that your heart-shaped steak fails to make the necessary impact, there is always the nuclear option. This heart branding iron will help make it even more clear that the only medium through which you can adequately express your feelings is meat. Anyone would be lucky to have you.
3. Karma Sutra Cookies
Cookies aren’t ordinarily considered the sexiest of biscuits, but anything goes on Valentine’s. Featuring an assortment of the world’s most sexually liberated gingerbread men, this erotic collection is sure to elevate the temperature, and blood sugar levels.
4. Salami Bouquet
They might be as synonymous with Valentine’s Day as Hugh Grant’s back catalogue, but flowers are so blase. Instead, show your other half that you’re not afraid to think outside the box by getting them a big bunch of cured meat. It may not look particularly pretty, but it will definitely taste better than your usual posey.
5. Doritos Bouquet
“But what,” I hear you ask, “if my partner doesn’t appreciate the subtle art of aged European sausages?” Fortunately, there’s a ready made solution for those couples who might be at the more meat-averse end of the spectrum. Introducing, the Doritos Bouquet. Because nothing says “You’re The One” than plastic stems and petals that reek of tangy cheese.
6. Brief Jerky
Dried meat might not be your first choice for sexy lingerie material, but where there’s a will, there’s a way. Though they look like a pair of mummified pants that might have been found deep inside Tutankhamun’s tomb, these briefs are the perfect way to introduce an element of surprise - and protein - into the bedroom.
7. Edible Anus
Ideal for the bold present buyer who isn’t afraid make an arse of themselves, these sweets sum up everything that Valentine’s Day is all about. Romantic and ridiculous in equal measure, it’s tough to think of a box that the edible anus doesn’t tick. Just make sure that the lucky recipient has a sense of humour. You wouldn’t want them to press charges.
Undoubtedly, there will be millions who remain convinced that the only way to celebrate Valentine’s Day is with an awkward dinner date and a mortifying balloon. As this list proves, other options remain available.