Everyone has dreamed about waking up to find Tom Hiddleston cooking their breakfast. In the great multitude of Marvel-themed domestic fantasies, it’s up there with employing Captain America as a cleaner and hiring shirtless Thor to mow your lawn. Unfortunately, as with many fantasies, the reality is a whole lot more distressing than the dream. As intensely as you may have been anticipating the sexual frisson and delicious brunch between you and Tom, there is now overwhelming evidence to suggest that your desire is actually a nightmare waiting to happen.
This evidence comes in the form of an unexpected and deeply alarming video, starring the former Asgardian heartthrob. Ordinarily, adverts starring Hiddleston are a cause for celebration (see, Jaguar). However, in this instance, the production team have decided to completely ruin the idea of Loki cooking your brekky by turning it into a kafkaesque fever dream of bad acting, haunting stares and inexplicable menu choices. Brace yourselves, Marvel fans. Things are about to get a whole lot less delicious.
The clip begins with a POV camera angle in a suspiciously white bedroom. As a mysterious, unidentified pair of arms stretch up and push back the sheets, you may find yourself wondering whether the film is set in heaven. What follows makes it abundantly clear that this couldn’t be further from the truth. The camera follows the mysterious arms as they descend a set of wooden stairs. Jolly, jangly, presumably royalty-free music makes the whole scene feel like a weird crossover between the Stepford Wives and Black Mirror. The camera turns a corner. And there he is. Standing at the kitchen counter. Smiling. Holding a big knife. Wearing an expression that looks as though he’s found a way to turn cereal into strychnine. “Morning,” he grins.
As if what we’ve already seen wasn’t creepy enough, the camera zooms in to reveal a plate packed with what must be one of the most eclectic ingredients ever consigned to screen. “I finished early so I thought I’d pop back and make you breakfast,” Tom informs the still unidentified protagonist. “Breakfast” apparently means colour-coordinated rows of blackberry, raw onion, carrot and kale, all topped with a fried egg. Yum. With eyes that seem to scream, “eat this so I can poison you and inherit all your money,” Hiddlestone pushes the plate towards camera.
It’s at this point that the purpose of this horrible yet totally compelling clip becomes slightly more clear. Reaching for a small bottle of pills, Hiddleston decides to switch to Chinese in order to explain something to the camera. While it might look as though he is patiently revealing that he has just put 40 of these in your breakfast and you have about 10 minutes to live, a close-up of the label reveals that something far less sinister is afoot. Apparently he just wants his breakfast buddy to take their vitamins. Presumably, this will help them get over the shock of eating blackberry and egg at the same time.
Like any good Marvel movie, the full video, an advert for multivitamin makers Centrum, is full of juicy Easter eggs that only reveal themselves upon closer consideration. Even after repeat viewings, however, burning questions still remain. What kind of job allows Tom Hiddleston to “finish early” enough to get home in time to make a disgusting breakfast? Who is the person behind the camera? Since when can Tom Hiddleston speak Chinese? Even with these mysteries resolutely unresolved, one thing seems abundantly clear. Getting killed by Thanos was not good for the Hiddleston financial plan.