Twisted: Unserious food tastes seriously good.

The Hunger Stage: We’ll guess your festival food order based on your personality

03/08/2022

Twisted: Unserious food tastes seriously good.

Article by Joanna Sarah-Freedman

05m read

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At festivals the music often takes centre stage, but nowadays, the lineup of food is almost as vast. When dancing, camping and getting by on very little sleep, we all reach that pivotal point of ravenous hunger, and once it hits there’s just no shaking it. Packed full of guides and interviews with music talent and food truck vendors, our new franchise, The Hunger Stage, celebrates the sheer joy of food at festivals in all its messy, greasy glory. 

When you’re hungry at a music festival, you can easily spend hours roaming around a field deciding what to eat.

As you browse an often overwhelming array of food trucks, the stomach pangs only get worse and your indecisiveness grows by the second.

But the truth of the matter is, you need not bother obsessing over what you’re about to eat, because it’s already written in the stars.

You see, as humans, we like to think we’re unique, but the fact is, we’re all actually pretty predictable. From the ‘faux hippie’ to the ‘beer bong lad’, to the ‘guy who hasn’t slept all weekend’, we guarantee we can work out your festival food choice based on nothing more than your overall vibe.

Your festival food order is actually quite predictable… (Credit: Film4 Productions)

Don’t believe us? Okay, let’s put our theory to the test… 

The faux hippie

You’ve been preparing for this moment since you first watched a documentary about Glastonbury over a decade ago.

You’ve got two flower crowns in your backpack (each of which cost £35 on etsy) and the baggy trousers you’re wearing are from a stall in Thailand, which you visited on your gap yah.

If anyone asks what music you want to see, you reply vaguely: ‘I’m here for the overall experience.’

As for what the ‘overall experience’ entails? Mostly, it’s getting wasted in the woods, befriending Greenpeace activists, letting your hair get spectacularly messy and ringing your mum when you run out of money on day two.

Your festival food order? 

An overpriced veggie burger (with secret extra bacon). You’re #liberal and environmentally conscious, but one rasher isn’t going to hurt, right?

Credit: Alamy/ Pexels

The one who is glamping

Listen, you don’t ask for much, just a bed, plug sockets, hair straighteners, a shower and an actual toilet, rather than a porter loo. Oh, and space for your suitcase full of clothes…

You don’t know how anybody does festivals the old fashioned way, really.

This is your first time camping and it’s probably going to be your last, because even sleeping in a tipi has left your back in bits, and you’ve already ruined your Free People dress and £150 Veja trainers.

What music are you seeing? Whatever’s playing through the speakers of the VIP tent… it’s the only place serving cocktails.

Your festival food order? 

Truffle arancini, obviously.

Credit: Unsplash/ Pexels

The old guy

Woodstock hasn’t been on since 1969, mate, don’t you think it’s time to stop chasing the dream?

You’re that old guy that’s probably pretty high up in a corporate job, but goes to music festivals every year and gets absolutely loose on his own, with people the same age as his kids.

You’re usually wearing a pair of old dungarees you’ve had since your 20s, and have an unwashed vibe about you (most likely because you actually haven’t washed).

If anyone needs you, you’ll be listening to rock music, and moaning to every passer by about how it isn’t what it used to be.

Your festival food order? 

Pie and mash. Why? It’s a solid, hearty option with no frills. None of that fancy millennial falafel for you, thanks.

Credit: Alamy

The beer bong lad

Chug, chug, chug. You’re the one funnelling beer down everyone’s necks at 9am, to a chorus of loud, echoing cheers from fellow lads.

You primarily communicate via chest bumps and football chants, and you’re usually found topless and sunburnt, with black ASOS shades on and perhaps a Nikey snapback.

After about 12pm, your whereabouts is unknown, but if we had to hazard a guess we’d say you’ve fallen asleep somewhere, or you’ve made friends with another group of likeminded ‘bros’ who you met whilst dancing to Ibiza house bangers.

Your festival food order? 

A doner kebab, eaten messily and half dropped over the floor of your tent.

Credit: Alamy

The person in incredibly awkward fancy dress

Nobody else has as much banter as you and your mates. You are literally the personification of the phrase, ‘oh my god, I can’t believe I did that, that’s so random’.

Take your festival attire, for instance. One day, you’re all dressing as cowboys (pink fluffy hats and all), and on another, you’re all planning on wearing banana costumes. HOW FuNnŸ! You really are living your best lives.

You’re probably going to be boiling hot the whole time because you’re walking around in what’s essentially an oversized onesie, but these are just the things you do for a laugh, ey!

Your festival food order? 

A crepe, because it is literally the only thing thin enough to fit through the mouth hole of your fancy dress costume.

Credit: Crepeaffaire/ Alamy

The frantic superfan

You’re here for one reason and one reason only, and that’s [insert generic pop heart-throb here].

Not only have you printed their head onto a flag, but you’re also that person that sits in front of the main stage all day with a fold out stool and a picnic blanket, obscuring everyone’s view, just so you can get a good spot for said performer. 

You’re gonna spend half their set crying, on someone’s shoulders and belting out their biggest hits in what sounds to everyone else like one shrill scream. 

Then, for the rest of the festival you’ll just chew everyone’s ear off about how epic they were, whilst dressed head to toe in merch. 

Your festival food order? 

You don’t have time to flap about what to eat, so a burrito will have to do. 

It’s basic, reliable, and most importantly, portable, to ensure you can sprint to the front of the stage before anybody else.

Credit: Tortilla/ Alamy

The over-prepared camper

You know what they say… fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

That’s why you’ve packed as if you’re about to do your gold Duke of Edinburgh award expedition.

We’re talking two rain jackets, clothes for every temperature, a camping pillow, extra tent pegs, three portable chargers and an abundance of first aid paraphernalia.

You like to feel useful, so you carry most of this around in an oversized bum-bag all weekend, just in case anyone should need it. Plus, you always have a festival map around your neck, too, and a spreadsheet of all the acts you want to see bookmarked on your phone.

Your festival food order? 

You probably don’t need to buy any food because you stocked up on Nature Valley bars and Pringles, and you always have a banana in your bag in case you get peckish, too.

Credit: Alamy

The kid who definitely shouldn’t be there

Do you see how everyone else around you is a lot older? That’s because mummy and daddy decided to take you to a music festival at the age of five, despite the fact you’ll probably hate every waking second.

In between crying and witnessing things you definitely shouldn’t, you can be found perched on a parent’s shoulders with noise cancelling headphones on (which defeat the whole point of you being brought along to a music festival in the first place)…

Your festival food order? 

In the absence of Turkey Twizzlers and potato smiley faces, you’ll probably just have chips.

Credit: Unsplash/ Alamy

The #Influencer

Throw on some short-shorts, glitter and face gems and voila!, the field is your runway.

If anyone needs you, you’ll be busy taking selfies up by the big festival sign, in the crowds, and – well – just about everywhere, really.

When the music’s on, you’ll be watching through your phone screen, even though you’ll probably miss half of the action. 

Then, you’ll spend the rest of the day frantically searching for wifi, and DMing people in the hopes of getting an invite backstage, or to an afterparty.

Your festival food order? 

Waffles, bubble tea or basically anything aesthetically pleasing.

Credit: Utter Waffle/ Pexels)

The guy who hasn’t slept all weekend

You’re going so hard that you haven’t taken your sunglasses off all weekend, and you’ve forgotten what day it is.

When all your mates catch some zzz’s you’re likely two stepping in the disco tent, or sat with a random group of festival friends you met five minutes prior, having deep chats and righting all of the world’s wrongs.

What are you wearing? Pfft. Whatever you arrived at the festival in… most likely a jazzy patterned shirt (unbuttoned) and a pair of denim shorts.

You’re living in constant fear of an imminent crash back down to earth, and you’re a firm believer that the only way to delay the hangover is to keep on partying.

Your festival food order? 

Nothing.

Credit: Unsplash

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