Tinned tuna is on the decline because opening a can is too much work for millennials

Millennial-hating is very a la mode at the moment. It seems that whenever there is a backlash against something that society has always taken for granted, there’s a good number of people waiting in the wings to blame Generation Snowflake, rather than the fact that it was, you know, wrong. First, it was women’s rights. Then we started worrying about gay people. What happened to the good old days, where workplace harassment was ignored and the earth was ruled by hammy, white overlords? Wasn’t all so much better before we started treating people like human beings and developing a sense of moral responsibility? Yes, obviously it’s millennials who have the problem.  

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Not content with grumbling about the growing realisation that how we’ve been behaving may have been less than perfect, it seems that some members of society are even trying to blame millennials for significant changes to our food. Obviously, trends towards salad and away from melted cheese are scary, especially for team Twisted. But these complaints go way beyond healthy eating. According to industry insiders and business leaders, millennials are in fact responsible for killing off tinned tuna.

Despite being a staple sandwich filler for generations, there is growing evidence to suggest that tinned tuna is on the decline. The Wall Street Journal reported earlier this week that per-capita consumption has dropped by a whopping 42% over the last three years. Why could this be? Is it that long line fishing is destroying the ocean, or discarded cans are choking the planet? According to Andy Mecs, vice president of marketing and innovation for tuna giant StarKist, the problem is actually that “A lot of millennials don’t even own can openers.” Curse you, cucks!

Not only does this workshy generation not own the correct utensils, but they are too lazy to operate them when they do have them, according to tuna industry experts. “Many can’t be bothered to open and drain the cans, or fetch utensils and dishes to eat the tuna,” write WSJ reporters Jesse Newman and Annie Gasparro. Since we all spend so much time marching against the alt-right and zero platforming nazis, millennials apparently prefer their food to be as “convenient as possible”, a disaster for businesses that specialise in fiddly fish flakes.

To be fair, it isn’t just the tuna industry who are feeling the effects of change. A recent report from UBS explored how the advent of delivery apps is having a dramatic effect on how often people cook for themselves, going so far as to suggest that by 2030, online food delivery could control 10% of the total food services market. In an ominous denouement, UBS analysts concluded, “At scale, ubiquitous on-demand and subscription delivery of prepared food could potentially spell the end of cooking at home.”

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There’s little doubt that the changing world is affecting the way we eat. The immediacy of modern life makes it tricky to take the time to learn something as labour intensive as cooking. However, I think I speak for many of my generation when I say that blaming millennial laziness for your business failure is taking things a step too far. Maybe if you made something that wasn’t glorified cat food, we’d be more inclined to get on board.