Article by Joanna Sarah-Freedman
When it comes to Valentine’s Day gifting, it’s so easy to go wrong.
Flowers? Predictable. Candle-lit dinner? Soppy. Box of chocolates? Clearly just picked up from the nearest Shell garage.
But the biggest risk is actually the antithesis of this, when you try too hard to go the other way, and pick something niche, quirky or ‘fun’. *Shudders*
All the brands are in on it now, creating stomach-churning gifts that are a ‘little bit different’, from M&S’ Love Sausage to Firebox’s personalised marshmallow slabs.
Make sure you don’t screw up your Valentine’s Day gift (Credit: Pexels)
So, to mark Cupid’s holiday, Twisted has done you a public service, and ranked the soppiest food gifts around this year.
Share this on your Whatsapp chat, tag bae on Facebook, read this and recoil in horror when you’re next to them on the sofa… do absolutely everything you can to save yourself before they nip to the shops.
Because trust us, if you receive any of these, you’ll almost certainly get the ick…
M&S ‘love you to pieces’ chocolate
Happy Valentine’s Day… now let’s smash stuff (Credit: Marks and Spencer)
There couldn’t be anything more romantic than giving someone a chocolate heart and literally asking them to smash it to smithereens, right?
We think this one should have been left on the drawing board.
Heart shaped candy? Do better (Credit: Liberty/ Candyhouse)
Picture this, you’re presented with a small, neatly wrapped box. Is it perfume? A necklace?
You eagerly open it and what do you find? Jelly hearts, alongside a message which reads ‘you make my pulse race’.
Sigh. It’s clearly meant to be cheeky… some might even say a little risqué. But we can guarantee you that upon receiving this gift, our pulses would be about as unenthused as it gets.
Would we still eat em? Sure (Candyhouse’s sweets are objectively very nice), but for Valentine’s Day? Pfft, do better.
Aldi pizza toy
Leave cuddly pizza jokes in 2021 (Credit: Aldi)
We all love pizza. That’s an undisputed fact. But if the most personal Valentine’s gift you can think of for your other half is a reference to how fond they are of Margarita, maybe you’re not right for each other?
Plus, ‘You have a pizza my heart’? – totally naff, sorry.
Sausage roll bouquet
There’s nothing sexy about sausage rolls (Credit: Prestige Flowers)
We’ll admit this one is a crowd divider. Twisted’s creative director Tom is adamant that if he were presented with a sausage roll bouquet he’d propose to his wife all over again.
But we’re gonna have to disagree. Listen, we have a lot of time for sausage rolls – but let’s not try and make them romantic.
After all they’re literally pastry covered meat, whether they’re arranged like a bouquet or not.
‘Flump face’ marshmallow slab
Nobody can pull this off (Credit: Firebox)
Trust us, there might be nothing less sexy than seeing your other half’s face blown up and put atop a fluffy marshmallow slab.
Even if we were dating Brad Pitt himself we think we’d cringe at the sight of him awkwardly winking or doing a thumbs up for an image he knew was about to be printed onto a piece of puffed up gelatine.
Did you assume we forgot what your face looked like? And what’s more, we’ve now got to shove it rather cannibalistically into our gobs.
‘Love at first bite’ biscuits
Is this referencing the peach emoji or are we just filthy millennials? (Credit: Harvey Nichols/ Biscuiteers)
Ah, what says I love you like three biscuits, one of which is iced like a half-bitten peach (no doubt a reference to everyone’s favourite suggestive emoji).
The other two biscuits are shaped like hearts, and have the words ‘love at first bite’ etched across them.
Sentimental? Nope. Toe-curlingly mushy and a little bit pervy? Yep. You do the maths.
M&S Love Sausage
It’s literally meat in the shape of a heart, guys (Credit: Marks and Spencer)
Oh god. It’s back.
The Love Sausage first reared its porky head in 2019, and sold out instantly.
Ever since, the supermarket’s marketing team knew they were onto a winner. They’ve subsequently brought out a spicy version and a twin pack, which features two mini sausage-hearts.
And this year they’re back with the OG, which is quite literally a sausage in the shape of a heart…. for six quid.
Honestly, put it back, you’re being taken for a mug.
This might get a laugh, but it’s certainly not sexy (Credit: Funky Pigeon)
Who invents this stuff? You can now buy a chilli plant that grows into the shape of a penis.
Sure, this might get a laugh when your partner opens it, but there’s only one reason they’re gonna be hot under the collar, and it definitely isn’t your gifting skills.